A Confession

It’s 6:01am, I’m sitting in the back room having coffee and listening to music. I’ve checked Facebook and still have more replying to do. I’ve gone over what I need to do for the first part of my day. I’ve been awake since 4:45, and I woke up with a particular purpose in mind, which was to go to the gym.

No clothes that I need are clean and ready.

“WELLWHATHEFUCKANDWHY?!” – My first thoughts upon the clothes discovery.

I started up the washing machine and made coffee.

Sweet husband shuffles out of bed, as does sweet child, and all I can think is that I hope they both go back to bed. Mama needs some alone time.

Schedules have shifted, school has started, and I’m having to readjust again.

“DAMN IT. Why can’t everything stay the way I want it when I want it and how I want it and then I’ll find discontents because everything is the same and I want something different?!”

I’m also sharing my very first POP Pilates class with the community this Saturday and I’m excited and terrified. The struggle and anxiety has led to comfort eating. (Where are my emotional eaters at?) I can proudly say, though, that I have not been drinking, and I’ve still maintained an early bedtime.

But really, when I calm down and take a step back, I can be and am proud of a lot. I know that the readjustment will happen and life will flow easily again, and then it won’t, and then it will, and then it won’t. Because, life. It can be an asshole. Just like my child thinks I am because I finished the ice cream last night.

Back to the grind, good people. Have a nice day.

 

Advertisements

These Days II

I’m drinking this coffee, yet I’m not entirely sure if I like it or not. It doesn’t taste that good. But let’s be real here; I don’t really drink coffee for the taste. I want the jolt, the zing, JUST GIVE ME THE CAFFEINE, MAN! It’ll kick in soon.

There’s homework due today, and what am I doing? Anything except the homework, of course!

This week was a good one. An intense one, but a good one. I (only because nobody else volunteered, and not because I didn’t want to, but because I am UPTOMYHEADWITHTHINGSTODO) am officially Julia’s homeroom mom. <– And I always say that in a Midwestern accent. We had our first little event, an apple buffet celebrating Johnny Appleseed (John Chapman)’s birthday. I took pictures, but none of just Julia, so I can’t share them with you. But I can paint you a quick picture: cafeteria, tiny children with paper hats shaped like pots, paper plates filled with apply items like apple slices, apple jelly, applesauce, two cups with apple juice and apple cider, a lot of little voices and wiggly bodies. They were adorable. I also have two moms in the class who want to help, so I am now relaxed about it all, and am grateful to have the opportunity.

I also had a minor breakdown, which was fantastic! I’m serious. I sat on the couch, and cried my eyeballs out as I spilled out everything I was feeling to Aaron. This is fantastic because in the moment vulnerability is something I struggle with, even with my own husband. The walls and the shoulders come up, and it is difficult for me to bring them down. I’ve definitely improved with time, but I am still a work in progress. So this was a beautiful, raw moment. Then I laid on the floor, and turned up one of my favorite songs and went to music land. I then did yoga and ate. And then I conquered the day.

Other highlights from the week:

  • Aaron and I rode the Zipper at The Rice Festival. It was insane, I thought we might die, and my arms were burning because I was holding on to the safety bars so tight. That was the second time I’ve ever ridden it. The first was when I was a kid.
  • Stone Bison is alive! We got to record in a studio, and we had a lot of fun. Trying new things! Living life! Having fun!
  • I love my job at the gym. Every day I have the privilege of witnessing women achieve goals they didn’t know they could reach. And they encourage one another. Ah, it warms my soul.
  • I’ve been able to see and spend time with many special people that I don’t get to see often in the past week. More soul warming.

Put.Your.Walls.Down. is probably going to become my personal mantra for awhile until I can fully achieve it. Keep the boundaries, but put down the walls. Walls don’t do nuttin’ good fa nobody. <– I say that in my New Jersey accent.

Time to go do something else instead of my homework! Just kidding. Sort of. No, I’m kidding. I really have to finish it. I haven’t even started. I’m really going now.

Happy Sunday!

 

These Days

A little more coffee and music are in order before I really get this day started.

JB is off at school, loving it, of course. These days we get to argue about eating cafeteria food, and how she won’t be able to attend the Chuck E. Cheese’s party for the kids with perfect attendance because we already have plans to GETTHEHELLOUTTAHERE for a few days, starting on a Friday. We’ll be hightailing it to Central Texas in less than two weeks for the POP Pilates training in Round Rock, and I am PUUUUUUUMPED!!!!!! Learning new skills! Sharing the love of music&fitness! Seeing family!! Exclamations!

It took us (Me, it’s always me) a bit to adjust to our new schedules and build some good routines, but we’re there. School for everyone, soccer practices twice a week, and a game every Saturday, and work, all with one car. Masters of the scheduling, we are.

We’re busy, but it’s all for a good cause. Aaron hasn’t smoked any cigars in two months now, loves his classes, and is the best father and soccer coach. I love seeing him with all of the little ones. One of the girls and her sister wore bandanas to our first game because they wanted to be like him. Julia is recognizing more words now and is starting to read and write more. It is precious, and she’s so proud of herself.

I love our roles in life, how we have worked on ourselves and continue to strengthen our bonds and relationships with each other, and now as we branch out into our community.

I must take care of the day’s responsibilities, but I want to share this quote that spoke to me.

“The quest for meaning is in vein if we are unwilling to give up the things that get in the way of us living a meaningful life.” – Chani Nicholas

Have a beautiful day filled with purpose and love, people!

 

my-faaves
My favorite ones at the first soccer game of the season!

 

There’s no time to worry.

The changes, they are a comin’.

They’ve already slowly begun to infiltrate our daily routine, our COMFORT ZONE.

Summer break was good. We all were able to collect ourselves a bit, spend time together, get on each others’ nerves. You know the drill.

But I can feel it coming, the changes, and it’s caused some anxiousness. I can feel myself tensing up. I can hear it in the way that I react. I can see it in old behavioral patterns that I aim to permanently release.

And I have to remind myself to quit fearing the unknown and worrying.

QUIT WORRYING.

Okay. Fine. I’ll quit worrying, but what happens when everything turns to shit? BECAUSE IT WILL AND I KNOW IT WILL.

WILL IT? BECAUSE DOES IT EVER? YOU ARE FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE AND WILL BE FINE. IT IS ALWAYS FINE. BREATHE. YOU HAVE SUPPORT AND YOU ARE LOVED.

She’s good, my own personal Tony Robbins.

And for one of the first times in life, I allowed myself to believe her. She’s right.

During these times I must give myself the gentle reminder that breaking out of what is comfortable is the only way to continue to grow. This means that discomfort is necessary. And currently, I am really fucking uncomfortable. So, hooray! New opportunities are on the horizon!

I will continue to acknowledge my feelings. It’s okay to feel fear/worry/intimidation, but it is not okay to let them take over. I will reach out to my support team. I will exercise in some form every day. And I will learn and succeed, because I always do.

Time to get the day going.

Happy Monday!

 

It’s Hump Day!

Today is the third time this week that I’ve woken up early, like really early, like a couple of hours before everyone else in the house. It’s a personal goal I’ve held onto for a very long time. The hardest part is channeling the self-control to not press the snooze button and curl back up to sleep. This morning was the hardest, probably because I knew I wasn’t going to the gym, because this bod needs some rest after the last two days of workouts. But I did it, dammit! So here I am, in the back bedroom, drinking coffee, listening to Interpol, and writing. And it’s only 6:00am. Schwing, indeed!

But as I was making coffee I heard the bedroom door open, and tiny feet shuffle out.

“Mama, what are you doing?”

“I’m awake, baby. I’m starting my day. Let’s get you back in bed.”

“But it’s not morning! It’s night and it’s time for you to go to sleep, too.”

“Shh.”

And I carried her back to bed and tucked her in, right next to her daddy. That’s right, we co-sleep, and you may go ahead and keep your thoughts to yourself on that.

In other news (sort of), we officially have a 5 year old on our hands. Five. FIVE.

It’s been an emotional year. I don’t personally feel like the five years have flown by. It feels like it’s been about five years. We’ve all grown during this time. Of course we aren’t done. A five year old means kindergarten is approaching. We’re all excited about it, some of us (ME!) are a little more nervous than the others. But every experience is an opportunity to learn, to figure out what does and does not work for us, and we’ll keep our hearts, minds, and options open. For now we’ll continue to enjoy our summer break and prepare to take on this fall semester, when all of us will be in school.

I hope you have a joyous day, doing something you love with someone you love. <— Sounds like sex, yeah? That’s fair.

Love, love love. Give love, make love, share love, BE LOVE. You hold the power!

 

five
The 5 year old

It’s Our Anniversary.

5 years ago, we jumped into matrimony as only two hormone driven, sinners in love could. You, with your best plaid shirt, holy jeans, flip-flops, and Walmart ring, and me, 9 months pregnant with da babe. There was no dressing that up. (Lol) It was HOT.

There were other couples at the courthouse in Dallas County. The couple before us had a small group of witnesses, and I remember giving them our congratulations. I believe someone’s mother was crying.

The other couple I remember were very young and the man was in the military.

We sat outside of the courtroom, waiting our turn. I was antsy. My family came in, and my mom brought me a bouquet. I can’t remember if I wore mascara or eyeliner that day.

Then it was our turn. And as we went to enter the room, that first couple was coming out. We walked to the front of the courtroom and I immediately started crying. (Of course) Sweet Annie was our ring bearer. Judge Katy Hubener began. It went blurry from there. It was sort of surreal. We were doing it, getting married, as we had planned to do not long after we got together. It may not be the way for everyone else, but it was perfect for us.

Life went on, and less than a month later, our Julia had arrived, and we were the Little trio, living our dream.

It hasn’t been perfect, these last 6 years together, 5 of which are legally recognized. We have each had our fair share of rough moments, not listening to the other, and selfishness. But we’ve had far more laughter, love, real communication, and growth.

Aaron, I love you. I love who you are and how you never pretend to be anyone else. I love your sense of humor, your writing, and how you love us with everything in you. I love seeing you grow as an individual, as a loyal listener of Texas Standard, kicking algebra’s ass, building fires, facing your fears and overcoming your own self-perceived limitations. And I love that you value what I have to say and that you love me, no matter how cranky I am. And you are the best father to our girl.

Thank you for being my partner in life. I can’t wait to see where we go together.

Anniversary2

 

Hello, Saturday.

I released myself from my summer courses. Dropped sounds very serious although that is the term the school and everyone else uses. I will begin again in the fall. I want this summer break. Life is moving at incredible speeds and I’d like to be as present as possible.

The overachiever part of me is having a bit of a hard time. Yesterday was rough, because I received an email from the financial aid office and it sent my anxiety levels up. It wasn’t even bad, I only turned it into something bad. We were out of coffee, so I planned to stop at a coffee shop on the way to a client’s house. A train stopped me up for a bit, and then the coffee shop I had planned to visit was shut down for good.

“Why is the world working against me?!?!?!”

I got to my destination, had coffee, and swapped stories of life’s mishaps, which resulted in a lot of laughter and the realization that I needed to calm down. Sometimes it’s good to remind yourself of that little saying that was in every classroom at school, “Attitudes are contagious; is yours worth catching?” Damn it! No, no my attitude is not worth catching. So I went home, ate Whataburger with my family, napped, had a wonderful workout, and got to lead my 6:30 class. Attitude adjustment complete.

Today is a new day. I feel good. Optimistic. And I even plan to wash my hair. And to also spend time outside. And to live life off the wall like Michael says to.

The weekend is here!