My alarm went off at 5am, as it always does. But this morning, from the moment my eyes opened, I felt an overwhelming amount of anxiety. <— The best part of waking up, no?
I made coffee (that didn’t even sound appealing), sat on the back bed, and panicked. Everything on the to-do list for the next several weeks, months, was racing through my head, all the while I’m thinking, “How are we going to manage all of this?” Along with the overwhelm comes the guilt, for not taking care of school before Julia came into our lives. For my lack of patience some days, and when we eat shitty food because it’s easy and we’re all exhausted. It’s those days you’re convinced you’re failing as a human and especially as a mother. But then your tiny one still comes to sit in your lap at the end of the day to love on you and feel your warmth. She shuffles out of bed to come snooze on the back bed just to be close to you while you yoga. You are not failing. I am not failing.
While sitting on the back bed, I realized I needed to find a way to work out the anxiety. I do this either through intense exercise, or gentle yoga. Yoga was it. I stood in mountain pose and began crying. I breathed, and stretched, and connected with my body, calming my mind. By the end of my practice, tears wouldn’t stop rolling down my face. I cried and cried, silently, as to not wake up Julia on the bed. It was the cleansing release I needed. And then the instructor said, “No matter how big the stack of papers on your desk is today, remember this moment and take it with you.” YES. I will take this moment with me. I am a muthafuckin’ warrior woman. Carry on, I must.